I want to be PERFECT…

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If you read the title your face is probably smirking already, I know. If it stays that way till the end please let me know. Our social advocates of imperfection, HOLA! Please stop getting edgy too soon, ITS JUST ME.

If you hurt me and I do not confront you, count yourself uncared for, by me. Also maybe I’m keeping my distance because yelling my true feelings may drive you closer to me, and I am not interested. Being a girl in itself makes me automatically too awesome at detecting mistakes, getting mad, confronting the offender and not easily forgetting those faults.

SO…

Recently someone hurt me and I’m there counting A-Z; the chronology of everything they did. The nuts and bolts accurately giving the day, the hour, under what weather, in what clothes; blame it on my photographic memory. The burden of proof was staggering. Someone got the hang of it, shoved me in the car and took me on a nasty guilt trip down the memory lane. 
This blame game doesn’t stop until you are tired, sleep, wake up and now the argument is, “that’s in the past,” and somehow those words leave me tongue-tied. (Daanmit!)

But I still feel wronged. What’s worse is the feeling of being hurt and have your fingers tied, so you cannot point out because you are just as bad, or was. Or maybe your actions propels them to do what they do and you end up hurt the more at the end of the chain.

Amidst all these ill feelings I thought I should be perfect.  I want a stronger defense during these confrontations, I want a blameless spot so there is nothing thrown at me and I can even make decisions unattached to guilt.
I want to be considerate, honest, affectionate, jealousy-free, I will laugh all the time and love right.

You’ll say human is to err but also humans know right from wrong. So if human is to error then when I mess up unknowingly I’ll explain to keep elephants from growing in my room then world-class apologies follow. Finally I can top it up with a peace offering.

I wanna try this and see how it goes, if I will inspire less mistakes. I don’t wanna be the witch that summons people’s demons. Being guilty holds you back sometimes afraid of calling kettles black yet you are the cooking pot. When blame games are spot on then hurt becomes a never ending story. I wanna be perfect so I am not the fall guy ever again. At least then it’s easier to see clearly what is going on and you give reasons for less excuses.

WHO IS WITH ME??


Location: Nairobi, Kenya

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