I want other things

Ting!.. There goes my phone at 11 am.

"Happy mother's day hun"

Ting!

"Mpesa confirmed. You have received..."

I giggle and text back 'LOL' with a wink face. This is our little inside joke with my boo.

My BFF is already at my door. She reads my face like a damn psychic and she knows something is up. "Guess who gets Mother's day funds?" I jump to say. Are you serious? She laughs and claps and signals me to chuck. We have a spa appointment to get to.

She drives my car today because she wants the tea, haha. I'm very expressive with my hands and get carried away when narrating stories. We don't want to die young. My car has yet been scratched because Nairobi.. It is still shiny and brand new. My house lease is far from expiration so hey, I have a lot to live for. I don't know about her. Maybe balcony plants and her 4th situationship this year??

A passion mint cold drink comes in handy with this Nairobi traffic.

"How do you sleep at night though?" She asks.

I have a strict skin care routine. Cleanser, serum, moisturizer, you know. I meditate for 10 mins, text my boo goodnight and slip in my duvet and close my eyes till morning. I sleep soundly and have you seen my the way my peaceful sleepy face glows?

How about you? How do you sleep at night BFF? Knowing you're stuck in the vicious cycle of capitalism? "I turn and toss and turn most nights, some days I fall off my tiny bed. I sip on red wine before I rest. It's rough but what choice do I have? I don't have your guts. My conscience is too uptight," she says.

Maybe learn to take what you want, don't you think BFF?

Today is triggering more than I care to admit. I miss my mum. Life took her away from me when I was so young. When my brother and I had no one else. When dad had left us to not be heard from again. I still don't know his whereabouts. His face is vaguely etched in my mind and that is all I have to rely on because somewhat mom got rid of any traces of his pictures. Mum worked so hard to build a decent life for us three and when she passed away from sudden illness, our relatives came in like scavengers and took anything they could lay their hands on.

I was 9, and bro 6. For years we were handed from one aunty to the other like a carousel, and stayed just long enough for them to say they tried and on to the next. The last uncle that took me in is whom I owe all my gratitude to. He had 4 other kids but loved us like his own.

After my KCPE he sought my bursary because he lacked the wherewithal to cater for my secondary school education. He could've used that opportunity on his kids but he thought I was the smartest and a better investment. His wife didn't love me as much from then on and I always bore the brunt of her bitterness. It strained the relationship with my uncle and campus was my way out.

I got HELB but it was mostly for home economics. I knew my little brother needed part of it too. The calls from my uncle dwindled with time and it felt awkward to go home for the holidays. I stayed with friends and temporary boyfriends. A girl has to survive. I tried to dodge my rues, party after party, kissing bottles and gulping down those whiskeys to the bottom in a bid to find something else. An alternate reality maybe?

I hated the mornings, the headaches. Waking in the arms of strange lovers, in lodgings, mansions. But at least I had somewhere to lay my head no? Now loop that scene for the umpteenth time until where I met a prince who saw the damsel in distress in me and decided to save her. He said all the right things and was gentle with my waist. He asked to buy me wine, because he wanted that we talk that night. Why not? I could use a decent company for a change.

You know a married man when you see one. They like to talk, and their lies leak through their guilty chubby faces. But we don't judge here. We understand, and smile and rub our tender loving hands on their fat necks. Then they melt inside and I can sense their wallets jiggle. Yes, go on sir, tell me all your problems so I can forget about mine for now.

We had a lengthy conversation but his big age wouldn't let him cheat the 10:30 pm bed time. He wanted more and asked to see me again.

"Uuuuh, well see."

Sure, I wanted more too and it's been two years of dating and what more could I ask for. We hang out occasionally and we get along so well except when his wife calls. He opened an online business for me so I have enough money to pay for my brother's upkeep and education. I surprise my uncle too from time to time.

He said he wants a child with me. It sounds good, but likely after I am done with my masters.

My BFF asks, "You mean you don't want to have your own person, committed to you only, that you won't have to be jealous about? Someone to build life together with and that has less baggage? You do know they rarely leave their wives..."

"I can't lose something I never had, and there's no sorrow in that. I don't think you'll understand, but I want other things," I said.