FOR ALL THE THINGS I NEVER SAID

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I wanted to pour my heart out but…


You didn’t ask me. I am not inherently the type that just pours whenever I feel burdened. I am a tickly lady but it takes more than the “hi, how was your day?” series of questions to poke issues from the pits of my troubled soul. It also sometimes take more than a day of chit-chat to break through the “I-have-been-great” veil that I wear on my face. I do not ask you to shake things off me, I do not have to be going through something every day, but realistically I cannot be so great 365 days a year, or every twice a week that we get to talk. Disconcerting and painful tales do not readily respond to the “how-are-you?” probes for some of us too.

You look more curious than caring. That is a no-no. I am a private being. I do not spill my beans on you just since you asked. I can tell that you just want to know and maybe feel good that someone told you something sensitive. You do not follow up the details. Days later you do not want to know how I am coping, what else was wanting to know what is bothering me about other than sheer curiosity? People like me talk because we are on a very dangerous edge of blowing off if this does not fall on potentially helpful ears, and at this point, we dreadfully need help. Mere curiosity does not inspire a lot of telling from me.

It’s about you. I am bottling up ‘cause you hurt me, you most likely will know because I will be less of myself around you. You have got an upcoming bad habit maybe. I do not know how to say it. You will probably think I am petty, or maybe I made an Everest from an anthill. There are too many possibilities and I am terrified of exploring any. I am trying to keep you from feeling awful about yourself, I am trying to let it slide and hope it is nothing eventually. Maybe you are wrong and worse you know it but your bloated ego has blinded you so much that you will ignore the dire need to change. You also look happy and content and I do not want to poop at your party with my sick thoughts that something could be wrong.

You do not give a tinker’s damn. Catch me dead making good-for-nothing utterances. No wasting my breath when I am as good as dumb. I would have told you there was a leaf stuck on your forehead but I know you will hear none of it. Telling you anything only gets me fake “sorries”, fake attachments, and much more feign feelings. So go ahead and look stupid. Go ahead and drown in your ignorance if not arrogance but you are getting not a whisper from me, not a smoke signal even. I will save my sacred words for a time when I really gonna need 
them.

I gave up! There is this quote, ”Ever been so disappointed in someone that you forgive them and do not say anything, but in your head you detach yourself from them completely.” I am done. I do not have an ounce of strength to make this right again, or even make you aware of it. You threw me off and there is no turning back for me. Words failed me and you totally lost me. From repeated offences, from hurling at me fat intentional disappointments, from the bold lack of concern, from rigid bad habits; I have had it all with you. I officially pronounce myself free of you in the utmost silence!

But really, not everyone deserves a sneak-peak at the dark side of your life, even the happy side. 

They truly have to be caring, honest and present enough to be your source of solace if need arises and worth sharing your happiness with.

It is only benevolent of you to return the favor too!

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