The Burden of Proof

Today I stand before thee, fellow mortals and what I have is a hefty matter at heart. Today I’ll try to plead my case and each of you reading this is already an appointed member of the jury. I am just a media student and most definitely not pursuing a law degree and yet I feel like my issue deserves a hearing. Hence, I throw this ball to the court of public opinion and I will be waiting edgily for a ruling to finally put this mind-boggling matter to rest. (In the end you can comment but finish with a standard “guilty” or “not guilty’’ verdict)

So look at me, better, look into my eyes in case you need a better view of my soul. If you are scared stiff then listen and do it good and proper. Today I am desperate for a second chance (well I think even the 10th and 5th times are also called “a second chance”) but I need it bad. The weight of my guilt may not be best portrayed on my face but it is definitely shaking me like an earthquake. 

Sometimes I get hold of myself and I walk around oozing assurance from every pore on my skin. As volatile as life is I get around the corner and boom! Surprise! Something happens. Sometimes it starts off as a little temptation and I take those short, quick, composure breaths but then I still lose it in the end. Believe me I didn’t mean to throw that insult, I didn’t mean to hurl that punch, I didn’t mean to drink myself silly. 

I walked away a few steps but I flipped anyway. They say the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak and that is exactly how the saying goes in my body too. My will and flesh sometimes are out of synch. I feel ugly, contemptible and even worse. My actions are tearing my image to shreds. I have no pride, I am so embarrassed I wanna die. But for a moment I had it together, for a moment I held back and hoped to act accordingly but I didn’t. 

It is probably void to mention my intentions because look at this mess I have made, look at all these hearts I break, that’s the kind of screwed up trail I leave behind my sorry face.

Still today the jury, I bring to evidence the exhibition of my thoughts before my actions. The last time I messed up I committed to stop, I even took my time to learn to puppeteer my emotions. And I thought about it this time too like many other times before but like a skidding car the more I tried to stay in control the more I swerved and that is why I am such a wreck. I blew my top again.

So every time I fail to “got it” someone else gets hurt. And I have been sorry more than I have been proud of myself. I want a second chance but it feels despicable. Does my apology count for anything now? Because I mean it every time I say it and the next time I am even more remorseful than the prior. I endeavor to stay cool and talk it out, to do right by others, to be honest with the ones I care about and I always promise myself there never will be a next time.

I am just a mere mortal fighting within herself to be a better person. Members of the jury I hope that you find that genuinely good person in me, I hope she is as clear and rightfully motivated as she can be, and beyond reasonable doubt that all I want is to react in the most harmless way possible. 

Because IT WAS NEVER MY INTENTION.

(WHAT’S YOUR VERDICT?)

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