Days like these

Just another day of sitting by myself. The rain is pouring, the mist hastily blinding my dusty window from the dreamy sight of falling droplets, and the overcast skies. 

Blackouts go hand in glove with such a weather in my country, and the silence disrupts your peace of mind. It felt better dancing to the music in front of the mirror, to binge watch series and play games on my computer. That feels like an easy way of living by myself, no? To drown in to social media, easy. 

Now the silence. The cold starts to bite and I slide quickly beneath my furry blankets. And that's not enough. I need a hot drink and snack to warm up faster but getting up from this snug is something I don't want to do. If only someone could come through for me. If only they'd cuddle me up and touch a little, and smooch a little more. 

The silence plunges me deeper. To what makes me happy. What keeps me single and solo and satisfied. What gives me the will to live off myself, physically and mentally. I wasn't used to this for a long haul. I had someone to call whenever I needed anything I couldn't get on my own. Or was lazy to. The freedom of not being answerable to anyone, the deficit of worry for another soul, more time not to ponder about whether or not I still am relevant, or worthy, the freedom from anxiety. The revelation of my essence, capabilities thrive too.

The poignancy takes me to the very bottom of myself. Where my fears blossom from and creep through my defensive personality and dire attempts to self preserve. Broken home, abusive relationships, failed friendships, bullying, absent parents, you name it. The fears that have me go above and beyond to build the great wall round my fickle heart. The fears that make me silence my emotions and sulk for days. The fears that give me anxiety and leave me feeding on leftover attention coz I just want to be wanted.The fears that give me comfort in taking the path with the least resistance, least strain and sorrow.

Where I'd rather talk to my closet mirror than someone who'll betray my trust. Where a takeaway dinner is easier than having to deal with a fight over who's cooking. Where having no one to zip my bandage dress is easier than someone who zips up her, and her and her, after their moments of weakness. Now most times I have to wear skirts and pants, urgh, bummer! The fear of hooking my esteem on to someone else's compliments and actions, and having my peace of mind being hung on it. The fear of giving my soul away bearing a bumper of hope and expectations, knowing it could go either way, but still I am more hopeful than not. 

I eventually wake up and rest in a corner with a mug filled with hot coffee. I am eternally grateful for technology because I can dial a delivery and hot steamy pastries will be landing on my doorstep. Soon. The phone's lighting and there's some more hot tea on Twitter, ooh, no worries if the coffee runs out, phew!