Of two men: SELF PORTRAIT

I recently visited Inua Mimi Rescue Centre, a home for children who have escaped tribalism, domestic violence, abandonment and such traumatizing events. I had plenty of fun, thanks to the joy these kids bore like when a friend of mine introduced himself, the kids just burst into a song that mentions his name. I mean they were so adorable and made that Saturday so memorable.

I am sorry if it’s terrible to have pitied them, but that’s the kind of attitude I carried all the way from Juja to the Kibera, you know, that woiye woiye feeling. So I am there, fully determined to accomplish the day’s mission, as they say “putting a smile on a child’s face” and our idea was to do a drawing activity having brought plenty of painting stuff for them to get wild on.

They draw and their 10 minutes are over. I collect their pieces as we grin at their creativity and tell them how breathtaking they are, but one. That was of a 7 or 8 year old boy, a drawing in red pen of a tilapia, a love shape, a flower and crisscrossing roads. Do not start shrinking it yet, well I didn’t even think of a deeper meaning. The literal words written all over those pictures random or not is what grabbed me. He wrote, “I am wonderful to God and I love myself.” Oh and there goes my heart, it sinks.

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I was walking someday during the ugly moments in juja when it rains and I stumbled on mud despite the extreme attempt to be slow and careful. I was finding my balance when this rugged looking man carrying a sack of garbage on his back asked me to wipe my muddy hands on his not-so-clean jacket.

You know I almost jolted but I felt for him instead and said “Nooo, no, I am okay, ill clean them at home, and no need for that.” Yet again there goes my heart, it crumbles.

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I am thinking of that boy at Inua Mimi, and I wonder how do you think of yourself like that? I regret not asking him that personally but that was incredible. He has been through pain, I guess and for a child it should be really overbearing. Those 10 minutes we gave them all he could picture was himself, his awesomeness, I mean it was all self-love. If you ask me to tell you something about myself in whatever context ill try thinking of something witty, profound and slightly poetic. I wouldn’t say how amazing I feel about myself when put on the spot, even every other day that is barely what I tell myself.

I did not feel good about the man’s willingness to have me clean my filth on his clothes and I wish he did not feel like he deserved it. If by any chance he felt like this boy, he probably would pity me instead and say sorry I fell.

Once so often I am like him anyway, it may not be so obvious when I get thrown off my happy place and lose myself and my worth. I forget to remember even when I am penniless, or patronized that I still deserve the best and most importantly I am wonderful.

Humanity struggles for the kind of peace brought by self love, we contend to keep our ego, self-esteem and our dignity intact. No amount of education, dress up or eloquence will ever give us an upper hand over “the less fortunate” when it comes to soul and happiness.

There are truly happy people out here who have crooked teeth and give gummy smiles, others are homeless and still think how wonderful they are. But we wouldn’t know those because they have no social media to post a glowing selfie and tell you all about it would we? OH and followers to approve of them too?